here in my own heart


I made an art journal page several months ago that I haven’t shared here yet.

I felt like creating something to reflect my heart that day. But I wasn’t sure what. So I pulled out my art journal and decided I’d just start somewhere and see where it led me.

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Most days I feel happy. Brave. Content. But some days I don’t.

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Journaling: “Some days are messy. Some days it feels like the sun isn’t shining, even if it is. Some days you wonder if anyone sees, hears, cares, understands.

Some days I want to pull myself inside my own heart and withdraw from the world around me. Some days my heart feels trampled and I just want to protect it.

Sometimes it feels safer in here.”

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My page is messy. The silk screen leaked with my first attempt using the black paint. That wasn’t really what I was going for. Then the silk screen pulled off some parts of the patterned paper. So I pulled off other parts too. That wasn’t part of the plan. I wanted it neat. Tidy. Just right.

Life is like that. It’s beautiful, but messy. Some days it’s a beautiful mess,  and some days you just want beauty, but all you get is messy. Some days your best attempts don’t turn out as planned. Some days it feels like all you do is mess up, even when you’re trying your best not to.

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As an introvert, sometimes all I want to do is to retreat into myself. It’s safe there. I don’t have to worry there about what others think, or feel, or demand. Sometimes I just want to stay there for a while, until it feels safe to emerge again. Or until I feel stronger, whichever comes first.

As an introvert, people are exhausting to me sometimes. Putting myself out there to build relationships is  emotionally taxing. Some days it doesn’t feel worth it. It’s hard work. It takes a lot from me. It doesn’t come easy, like it seems to for other people. Sometimes I feel spent, even though the relationship may be one I treasure immensely. And if the time and effort I’ve put into building a friendship doesn’t seem to be showing that it was worth it, it makes me want to withdraw, where it’s safer. To protect my heart.

Except that’s a lonely place. But safe. But lonely.

So, I have a choice. Stay in there where it’s neat and tidy, and understandable, and safe. But lonely.

Or step out there, where it’s messy, and not safe, and risky. Most days this is what I choose to do. To risk it. Because I know it will reap rewards. Life is dull and lonely without the people in it. Caring takes risk. Being vulnerable takes bravery. Being me takes a measure of courage. And this is what I choose to do most days.

But some days…..some days I just want to stay inside.

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One thought on “here in my own heart

  1. JeanD says:

    Well it’s a lovely page and it reflects life, not perfect, a work in progress that doesn’t always go the way we planned. Fortunately God knows what he’s doing with us. I get the introvert, just wanting to curl up at home thing, that’s me too.

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